or is it a habbit really? it's just annoying the freak out of me. and ofcourse i want to change it. and you can tell me how, but I have to 'feel' it in my head. but the best part: i'm aware!
so what happened. I thought i had an appointment at 9. It was 10. Luckely she let me in and gave me some magazines to read. And what am I doing? Irritating the shit out of me for a) getting here an hour too early, b) keep thinking of allllll the things I COULD have done if I had my shit together c) feeling so sorry for myself not having my laptop with me so i could get some work done and d) not being able to let it go and read that magazine peacefully. I just keep blaming myself for my foolish action.
so. i know it's something i have to work on. i know where it comes from too. as you might know (i'm just thinking that you are reading my blog for ages now) i didn't have a lovely childhood. and that's a huge understatement. besides everything that happened to me as a child, i was also never positively approached by my parents. nothing was ever good enough. and it kinda created a little monster in me, who is very very very capable of talking me down. for any kind of mistake i'm making.
buuuutttttt i'm working on that. i've had enough sessions and therapie to give the abuse in my childhood 'a place'. to deal with situations, which will trigger my memory. i can talk about it now without crying. and that's something. i can think about and not blaming myself for any of what happened to me untill i was 16 and run away, never turned back. but that little (or kinda big) part of my character which has heard over and over again: get your shit together, is kinda persistent.
the good part is: i am aware. i am very very aware that that little monster needs to shut the freak up. but that is easier said than done.
i teach my art students to relax, to let things go, especially 'the perfectionists', and i can hear myself say "just do it". i know so many people, would just say to me "just do it, just relax and let it go" and i totally know they mean well, just like i mean well when i say it. but it's just not that easy.
life is good. working on those 'bad habbits'.