ohhh Mothersday. it brings such a mix of emotions for me. i've been quit frank about it in the past. my childhood wasn't a ballgame. to say the least. and i haven't seen or spoken my "mother" in over 20 years. yes, i type my "mother" in quotes. because she never really was a mother to me.
my first 16 years of my life were horrible. the only sparkly moments i had was in school or with friends & their family. at age 17 i decided to take a break. a few days away from 'home'. i met Arjan and knew i would be safe with him. but my mother then decided to throw me out. yes. literally. my stuff was on the pavement. just like that. there was a reason i needed that break. there were things happening to me in my childhood, that simply no child has to go through. i won't go into detail, but i guess you lovely birdies do understand. if a child decides, at age 17, to leave home, there must be one hell of a reason. hell it was. no safety. abuse. not loved. not wanted. and then, to top it off, i could not go back. i was not welcome anymore. like i was before...
in the years to come Arjan & his parents took care of me. i felt safe. but the feeling of being totally ignored by my own mother hurted. hurted so bad. a few tempts for talking were hopeless, and even psychologists adviced me to step back. i've been in and out hospitals. i've had 2 children. 20+ years have passed and still no contact. like i'm totally of grid. totally not important. she has 3 other children. my 'siblings'. let's not even go there. i guess you simply don't have a heart if you don't care what happened to your youngest. i wonder what she thinks about when it's my birthday.
don't get me wrong: i don't even want contact. i need a mother. not a person who gave birth to me, never wanted me in the first place, let horrible things happen to me in the first 16 years of my life, and then drops me like a hot stone when i started telling people what was happening in our house. i was bad news.
so i need a mother. a real mother. and that's not gonna happen.
and i'm somewhat in peace with that. somewhat, because i believe that wound will never completely heal. the only thing i can do is deal with it. and that's what i do. but every year when it's 'mothersday' i can't help but think. i know at least one that doesn't deserve the title.
since 2003 i'm a mother myself. and that made it even harder. how on earth does she do it? how can you NOT love your own child? your own flesh and blood? how can you NOT protect your child. against all harm and horror. how can you let your kid go and never bother again.
some people use their bad childhood as an excuse to hurt their own children. i call BULLSHIT. you do not have to behave horrible, only because you've had horrible experiences. you can GROW above that. my muppets are my everything. i would die protecting them. like any good mother would.
i made a promise to myself. i will do anything & everything to make life for my kiddo's as loveable as possible for me. don't get me wrong. i do get upset. i do get angry. and i sometimes even yell at them (yup. not perfect here at all!). but i overload them with love. with positive energy. tell them they are gorgeous. and lovely. and worthy. and strong. and that we need eachother in this family. protect eachother. stand besides eachother. and that's all i can do. but i can never win my childhood back. never ever. that's why i mostly need to get lost in paint, it's therapeutic also. i need to create to feel a flow of love. self love. and that's lovely to be able to feel that. because i know there are a lot 'the same' girls and woman out there who got on the wrong path. don't love themselves because they never learned how to be loved in the first place.
so. as a tribute to 'mothersday' i try to NOT think of my 'mother' but ME as a mother to my sweeties. and that's the best cure there is. their love. their unconditional love. even if i'm yelling & not perfect. i always apologize and tell them mommy should think before she opens her mouth. and they always tell me it's okay. they love me anyway. and "now buy me some new lego". but that's not gonna happen. ha.
anyway. if you want to share your story with me, please do. if you want to send me a private message (not everybody is okay with sharing personal stuff online), please feel free to email me. remember: you are not alone.
if i could go back and give little Revlie a small message. this would be the one:
life is good. you are magic.
rev
