{oh can you see how much i love my tablet? <3 it!}
and the saying is so true. we are all a product of our past. but the most important part is if you choose to let that past have any influence in your future. i choose not. as some of you might already know, my childhood was not happy. not safe. not how a child should live their first 16 years. mine was horrible. i will not go into to much detail what happened in our home, but it was traumatic for me and at age 17 i decided to run. i was lucky enough to have Arjan (and his parents!) in my life at that time who helped me. loved me. gave me a loving home. 3 weeks later my mom let us know that i was not welcome anymore and could come and pick up my stuff. so i did. with a few friends. and my stuff was in our front garden. stuffed in plastic bags. what happened in those first 16 years of my life is to painfull to just put in words on my blog, but the main thing is: i knew i had to get out of that house. and i did. i saved myself. i know now.
fast forward 20 years from that day. lots of therapy. lots of tears. lots of "really. is that my family? who rather let one of her children go to protect the 'secret' of the family?" how can a mother let her little girl go without a second thought. without ever ever wondering how the girl is doing. is that a mother heart? letting one go, to favor the others? a lot of what-ifs and should-i's have crossed my mind and i had to work really really hard for my self esteem. if you've been told for 16 years you do not matter, you really start believing everybody else is truly better than you are.
but i fought my way through it. Arjan & i are still (22 years now!) together. we have a gorgeous family. i have two crazy amazing kids who i would die for. literally. and when i became a mother i instantly knew i made the only right choice. i choose life with love. no more pain. no more drama. no more abuse. no more mindgames. let love rule.
ofcourse i have my downsides. ofcourse i'm far from perfect. who cares. i'm here and i made it. without the support & love of my own family. but with the amzing love & warmth of Arjan, Sanne & Ruben. who would have thought huh?
so. if you are out there. struggling. working against all odds. trying to make it work for you. remember. you can make it. it's hard. but you only need you to love yourself. that truly is enough. all else will come later. make sure you are safe and go from there. one day at a time. one step at a time, and life will love you back again.
we all are product of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it. remember that.
life is good. be safe. and let's rock this 2013 shall we?!
rev
Mooi woorden Rev!
Wat heftig allemaal... en wat goed dat je je er doorheen hebt geslagen.. You ROCK girl!
Geplaatst door: bibi | 01/01/2013 om 12:13 nm
<3 You're an example for so many!!
Geplaatst door: Danielle Muit | 01/01/2013 om 05:48 nm
Lieve, lieve schat... Jij bent zo'n mooi mens. Zo sterk, met alles wat je op je bordje hebt gekregen. Ik hou van je.
Geplaatst door: Liesbeth | 01/01/2013 om 05:49 nm
Wow Rev!! I am so sorry to hear of your pain from the past, but so thankful for your strength in sharing!!! Your light shines bright my friend! :) I too come from an abusive home and was brave enough to get myself out. As a grown woman, my mother still tries to come after me with her controlling and abusive ways she struggles with the fact i was strong enough to break the cycle... its okay... I choose me now, not that is is an easy task, and my spectacular husband who supports me endlessly and helped me see what she was truly doing to me and my magnificent children whom I never want to feel the effects of her ways. My art helps and I'm working on a little journal right now to tell my story involving bits of this, my battles with health, and how all of it has led to JOY!!!! Because without it all I truly wouldn't be me - and I love who I am! :)
Geplaatst door: Scarlett | 01/01/2013 om 06:14 nm
{{{{{{knuffel}}}}}} en zo fijn om te zien hoeveel kracht, liefde en goedheid jij in je hebt terwijl dat niet 'met de paplepel is ingegeven'.
Geplaatst door: monique | 01/01/2013 om 07:46 nm
Dank je wel Revlie!!!Jouw positiviteit :) is altijd al een voorbeeld voor mij en deze had ik even nodig! Veel liefs en positieve energie voor 2013!
Geplaatst door: mavi | 01/02/2013 om 12:27 vm
weet eigenlijk niet goed wat te zeggen dan een big hug en al het goeds voor 2013!
Geplaatst door: Sandra | 01/02/2013 om 05:26 nm
mooie en ware boodschap!
Geplaatst door: thinkie | 01/03/2013 om 10:13 vm
Wat een heftig verhaal en wat ongelooflijk knap en sterk van je dat je dat op deze manier durft te delen!
Geplaatst door: Elena | 01/04/2013 om 04:21 nm
Ik volg al een tijdje jouw blog en een tijdje geleden las ik dit stukje. Ik wilde toen meteen reageren maar heb het uiteindelijk niet gedaan, maar nu wel. Ook ik worstel met mijn verleden op dit moment en jouw verhaal was precies wat ik nodig had/heb. Het heeft mij zo geinspireerd, zoiezo jouw blog is een grote inspiratiebron, om weer te doen wat ik echt leuk vind: cratief bezig zijn! Daarnaast vind ik het heel moedig dat je dit hebt durven delen en ook weer mooi dat je mede door je verleden hebt weten door te zetten. En zie wat voor prachtige dingen je allemaal maakt!
Groetjes, Mariska (mom of 4 kids)
Geplaatst door: Mariska | 01/15/2013 om 02:33 nm
Dikke kus!
Geplaatst door: hippie Langkous | 01/16/2013 om 01:08 nm
hey girl!!! I come from a horribly abusive background too, and I too fought my way out of it and I've never regretted it. I moved out at 14 and lived with my older brother until I was 18. Now I'm 35 and just had my first baby July 19 (and unfortunately had to go through a whole thyroid cancer and treatment drama for the past 5 months but now I'm supposedly cancer-free-YAY!) I also have a master's degree in teaching. I'm a fighter! But I know exactly what you mean about loving yourself, etc...I am always being told I'm a total ray of sunshine by all the people around me...I'm so proud of that after all I've been through. I just added your blog to my google reader because your story really resonates with me!!!
Geplaatst door: Christina Carnoy | 01/22/2013 om 01:56 vm
it's good you knew what was best for you, and you decided to create your own life, of courage strength and creativity! go rev. :)
Geplaatst door: teddi | 01/24/2013 om 05:57 nm