i've lived in fear for so many years. it really kept me under his spell. i also know it had everything to do with my childhood. living in fear for about 12 years for every single day of your life, is kinda killing. it wasn't strange at all that i had build up many many fears since then.
but i'm also a fighter. and a survivor. i have always been determined to get myself out of the bad situation, (i did at 16) and i was always fighting for my own happiness. it took me years, and it is since last year (hello, just before turning 40!!!) that i finally did fight those fears with success! i've been fighting fears like:
- afraid in the dark;
- afraid to be home alone;
- afraid in crowded spaces;
- afraid to fly;
- afraid to drive my car alone in the city, especially in the dark;
- afraid to walk in the woods, especially by myself;
- afraid to go past places i felt horrible because something happened their in my childhood, bad vibe memories;
- afraid to men approaching me in public places;
- afraid to use public service like busses are trains;
- many anxiety's for my kids like playing outside by themselves etc.
and it took me years and years and years to overcome all those fears. but i fought against it. for years and years. tried many therapies. tried to hide it for my children. but hey, like they are stupid huh? once i was in a small playground with Ruben when Sanne was in school. i think he was about 3 years old. i suddenly heard a noise behind me. i was convinced a man was in the bushes trying to kidnap me and kill me.... my heart was racing, i had sweaty palms and i reacted instinctively. within seconds i packed up the stroller, i grabbed Ruben from the slide and walked firmly away from the playground. i looked back. there was that man. but he was just unloading his groceries from his parked car....
so my mind played tricks with me for years. once i even left the grocery store, because a man was behind me when i picked some apples. i left a full cart. i was convinced he had a knife and was about to kill me. when i fled and looked back i saw he was just picking apples. i was simply in front of him, and he was waiting his turn. but my mind convinced me otherwise. and that was real sheer fear for me. i've felt those fears for years and years.
i've learned in many therapies that my brain really worked that way. i was always in flight-mode. always in fear mode. always ready to run. and that for 20+ years....
abusers never ever have a clue what they put their victims through. not only the ordeal itself for 12 long years, but after. you'll live in a strange world after for so many years. lucky for me i am a fighter and managed to get through all these strange situations. but living peacefully was not easy at all.
and i've tried to raise Sanne & Ruben without fear. it mostly damaged and hurt myself. sitting all fired up on the couch watching hysterically out of the window to see where they were playing when first playing outside. feeling sick to my stomach when i couldn't see them anywhere, the relief i felt when they suddenly popped up, on their bike just enjoying playing outside. i'm 100% sure they never noticed that, because i LET them free. be outside. and play. but it was so harmful for me.
and now, after my last therapy end 2013, beginning 2014 (EMDR) i'm finally feeling 100% ME. fought those fears, worked so insanely hard to get over them. i know that is possible. i had many of them, as you can read, but i also had the power to leave them. they are no longer a part of me, and i'm so freaking proud of that.
so although i had many fears, i never ever ever let those fears decide my future. i was scared but moved ahead anyway. and since 2014 i can say: HALLELUJAH. look at me now.
life is good. fight those fears. remember, you are not alone. you may ALWAYS email me <3.
ps the new video Revlie, being an entrepeneur is not forgotten!! it will be up later this week and it's gonna be a great one, promise :)