the new word is up over at One Little Word, and this time it's GRACE. i have to be honest, i struggled with this word. and when i found a lovely quote i knew what my page would be about. and i needed lots and lots of journaling. and since it's all about the journaling, i left everything 'not important' out of it. so no embellishing or making it cute. just paint & my white pen (love my Sharpie White)
journaling is in Dutch. The quote is in English.
"GRACE means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose in stead of serving shame"
because of my childhood i have long thought i wasn't worth much. that's how i was treated and as a young girl, i didn't know any better. i really thought it was me. i should have did something for getting abused. crazy enough, years fly by and you simply do not know any better. but there comes a time when you stand up and say ENOUGH is ENOUGH. this is not happening to me anymore. i'm going to protect myself and i'm outta here. and that happened. i was 17.
years of therapy go by. i acted happy. popular. can you say BIG FAT HUGE MASK? inside i was broken. lonely. intense sadness that even my own mother abandoned me. you take care of your own stuff was the message. years of abuse were tried to ignore. as if nothing ever happened.
luckely i was strong enough, even at that young age, to choose me. it took me ages to 'normally' talk about it. normal, without having the feeling i am to blame. that i could have done something about it. that i could have stopped them. but only since recently (23 years later!) i totally understand i was a young child. totally innocent in the claws of two monsters. only now i realise that i did an amazing job saving myself. more than that, i couldn't do at that time. i was a frigging child.
when i had my save haven Arjan, i knew it was done. over and done with. i was able to flee to safety and i did. through the years, i managed to get myself to safety over and over again. i managed to keep my sanity. to keep my positive look on life. to keep my happiness. and now? now i love myself. i know now i'm a fighter. as a child this HAPPENS TO YOU. as an adult YOU decide how you handle it. how you deal with it.
it has become a huge part of my life and has directed me in so many ways. but i'm in charge now. i choose my way of life. i choose positivity. i choose luck. i choose happiness. i choose love. i choose grace. i give myself permission to love myself and to forgive myself whatever happened to me as a young child. for years. i was a child and powerless. now i am a grown up and i am not going to let my life directed by my past. i live NOW.
life is good. be graceful.